I am so overloaded with blerg that I don't know where to start.
First of all, I hate spring. Don't ask for reasons, because I've been searching for them for years and have yet to find why I hate this season so much. When people normally get that little twinkle in their eye and start thinking of warmer weather and procreation, I'm looking to hit people in the face with whatever weapon is close at hand. Boys get frisky and I get feisty.
Secondly, I hate St. Patrick's Day. I hate everything associated with it. I am a Pagan of Irish descent, and the thought of celebrating a man responsible for the eradication of Irish Paganism makes me want to hit people in the face with whatever weapon is close at hand. Everywhere I look, people are wearing green and I feel it's a slap in the face against pagans - even though people have no idea that's what they're doing. I try to respect that this isn't a conscious choice people are making - it's not a religious stance, they're just celebrating Irish-ness. But even THAT makes me angry, because what they focus most on is alcohol and alcoholism. My ancestors' heritage has become a cliche and a license for people to drink to excess and debauch. Somehow, I can't really get behind that.
Thirdly, I have a void in my life right now. I am the type of person who does not take well to idle time. In fact, it's such a hazard to my mental health that I work very hard to keep myself constantly inundated with projects and "things". Anyways, my two biggest projects both ended within a week of each other...2 weeks ago. And I haven't been able to fill in my spare time void in a way that doesn't bring on the crazies. I thought that I was doing "okay", but I now know that I am so very much NOT okay.
Fourthly, I had my last biopsy appointment on Friday. I got myself all syched up for it, ready to face it down like a boss and then spend the day victoriously reposing and celebrating my freedom and a clean bill of health. Instead, I got to the clinic, got gowned up, had my vitals taken, was lead into the surgical room.....and was then told (by a new specialist) that there was absolutely no reason to be there at all. (deflate) Apparently, my former specialist was booking people for unnecessary procedures. I don't know if he was trying to fleece MSP or felt (medically) that his patients deserved better treatment than MSP minimum standards. Either way, I was left with the taste of ashes in my mouth on Friday and didn't know how to cope. On one hand, yay no biopsy and yay clean bill of health. On the other hand, 6 months of time wasted with this on my mind. I feel robbed of my victory. I feel violated in some way by the medical system. This result has been so confusing to me, that it has exacerbated my already touchy mental state.
So here I am, in the full bloom of a depressive episode. I am anti-social, cranky, zombie-like, and unhappy with everything. I want to sleep and only sleep. I want what I want but I don't know what I want. And when I get what I want, I bet you anything I'll no longer want it.
Frustrated yet? I certainly am.
Hopefully this mood will pass - as it always does. One day I will wake up and there will no longer be a weight on my shoulders. I will feel like the world is full of possibilities again, and I will wonder why I haven't seen my friends in a while. I will make plans and keep them and they won't feel like drudgery. The day will seem full of time to do so many things, and I will happily do them all.
But not now. For now, I am in a holding pattern in my own life. I'm not working on any courses right now, and the negative part of my internal monologue laughs that it's no big deal because it's not like what I'm doing with my studies is actually going to get me anywhere. (See what I have to put up with?). I feel I am nibbling away at larger concepts, but am making no headway whatsoever. Why am I going to school? Is it really going to get me somewhere? If it takes me a decade to get my Bachelors, is there a point? Where is it going to get me? And what about becoming a yoga instructor? Do I really want to fill more of my time off with work? Money is great and all, but so is time. (I'm such a contradiction, aren't I?)
And then there's baby. No bun in the oven yet, and no immediate plans to fertilize said oven, but in a few months, my husband and I will start trying. I feel this rush to get things accomplished before pregnancy and baby put a halt to my ambitions, and yet I also feel like my ambitions are already on hold to make room for baby.
Ugh.
If anyone can unravel the mysteries of my mental state, let me know. In the meantime I'll be over here zoning out and thinking about yarn.
Monday, 17 March 2014
Monday, 10 March 2014
I'm Too Good
I really am too good at what I do....somewhat. The realist and Canadian inside me can't allow me to make such a grossly self-aggrandizing statement like that without tempering it with a bit of humility. But it's true.
Today I returned to work from a week off. The first Monday back is usually a bitchslap of reality as heaps and heaps of work comes flying at me from every direction and answers are needed now NOW NOW! And then there's the realization of the fact that I print flyers for a living. Yup. Flyers. The paper that lines bird-cages and puppy training pens all over North America? That's me. *waves*
Anyways, as day 1 came to a close, I couldn't help but realize the fact that there was nothing exploding, my face had not been bitchslapped, and my co-workers did not seem frazzled or suicidal for my having been away for a week. Whaaaaa? This can't be happening. I need to pinch myself to make sure it's real, because it simply does not feel that way.
I can think of two reasons for this easy day.
#1. My co-workers are so much better at their jobs than I am, that the things I think are hard are really just a cake walk for them.
#2. I am really good at my job and at preparing people to handle my accounts when I'm away.
Hmm......Maybe a bit of both?
Either way, this day was a cake walk. And the sun was shining, so as far as Mondays go....pretty darn good.
Now if you'll please excuse me, I need to go yoga. Namaste.
Today I returned to work from a week off. The first Monday back is usually a bitchslap of reality as heaps and heaps of work comes flying at me from every direction and answers are needed now NOW NOW! And then there's the realization of the fact that I print flyers for a living. Yup. Flyers. The paper that lines bird-cages and puppy training pens all over North America? That's me. *waves*
Anyways, as day 1 came to a close, I couldn't help but realize the fact that there was nothing exploding, my face had not been bitchslapped, and my co-workers did not seem frazzled or suicidal for my having been away for a week. Whaaaaa? This can't be happening. I need to pinch myself to make sure it's real, because it simply does not feel that way.
I can think of two reasons for this easy day.
#1. My co-workers are so much better at their jobs than I am, that the things I think are hard are really just a cake walk for them.
#2. I am really good at my job and at preparing people to handle my accounts when I'm away.
Hmm......Maybe a bit of both?
Either way, this day was a cake walk. And the sun was shining, so as far as Mondays go....pretty darn good.
Now if you'll please excuse me, I need to go yoga. Namaste.
Saturday, 8 March 2014
The Downfall of the Overachiever
I'm so that person. Y'know, THAT person. The one who doesn't call in fake sick to work, who feels bad if she doesn't feel she's achieved anything significant every single day, who feels she has to earn her rest time. Yeah, THAT person.
This is why this past week has been such a trial for me. I took a week off work to do (drumroll please) nothing.
It all started 2 years ago when I got a new account at work and it went completely sideways for a few months. I stockpiled so much overtime that it completely covered my two weeks off for my wedding and honeymoon. Then last year, we were already feeling the financial pinch of the wedding, so planned a car trip through the rockies as a cheaper trip alternative - which never happened, because we bought a house. I took my week vacation to renovate and move. My other week vacation was split between SMF and PAX, and then there was the bereavement leave for Granny D's funeral. All of it was just using up the last of my 2012 vacation.
So here I am, it's 2014 and I've still got all of my holidays from 2013 to spend as well as 2014 (which gives me a third week because I've been with the company over 3 years). I have 5 week vacation at my disposal....and I had no idea what to do or where to start. Jordan had the brilliant idea to just take time off - not vacation, but stay-cation. And I took that advice (because face it, the man is brilliant). I had planned to take Monday off anyways as a means to get back into the groove after the Suhaila workshop, when I decided why take a day when you can have a week?!? Seemed simple, brilliant, and awesome.
Awesome, that is, until I was face to face with my biggest enemy: free time.
Most people will not understand that last comment. But here and there you will find people nodding their heads in sympathy. We, the overachievers, have no idea what to do with free time. In fact, we are so loathe to suffer free time that we have lists and lists of make-work projects, places to go, things to do, people to see, that we are rarely, if ever, idle. Idleness is so uncomfortable to us that we would rather be pulled in a million different directions by over-booking our time, rather than spend a few minutes without plan or purpose.
Saturday and Sunday were easy to survive....sorta. Those were the days of the Suhaila workshop. I was too busy and exhausted and sore to think. Monday was another fairly easy day to get through. I had survived the weekend and deserved a day of nothing more than rest and Ibuprofen. But by Monday night I was already feeling the buzz of discontent. The nagging voice at the back of my head that wants me to do "things". Sitting on the couch sewing my costume for the weekend's competition was not enough. More "things" would have to be added if I was to feel content over the coming week.
Tuesday I had lunch and a lovely idyllic afternoon with Joy and Pandora. It's amazing how many hours you can pleasantly while away cuddling the cutest little bundle of baby. And as always, Joy is wonderfully entertaining company. We had a blast. As soon as I got home I was quickly whisked away, this time by Kush, to Bellyco rehearsal. By the time I got home I had some dinner and an enjoyable evening of relaxation (fully justified by dance rehearsal). Wednesday I spent the morning with Jordan as we toodled off to Vancouver to pick up his glass-blowing projects (so proud!), and then I walked around Scott Rd. looking for costume bits and baubles in Little India, finally returning home and tidying the living room and dining room.
Thursday was....wait, I can't really remember. Huh. Wow, that must've been SOME day. Oh yeah! I tidied the spare bedroom. It almost killed me to do so. What a downer! Every little thing I moved or got rid of, there were 20 or 30 more little things needing homes. This is going to be an on-going achilles heel for me. That room spells DOOM. Gotta be in the right frame of mind or else it just brings me crashing down, mood-wise.
Friday I had a hilariously interesting morning. Got up early, dropped Jordan off in Port Moody at a clinic, and then decided to have an adventure. I planned on going to Vancouver' Little India on Main Street to look for more jewelry for my duo with Karyn. After almost an hour of driving, (plus pitstop for gas and a loo) I found Little India.....deserted. Yup, the shops were all closed or gone. Gone where?....Surrey. *rolling eyes*. I had driven all that way to learn that the shops were in my own back yard. D'oh! But not to be out-done, I drove another 40 min to Surrey only to discover that shops don't open until they feel like it. *facepalm* I managed to find a place, The Punjab Cloth House, that was not only open, but also had the stuff I was looking for. SCORE!
By noon I was back home, and trying not to feel lost and at odds. I dyed my hair, cleaned the bathroom, had lunch, sat for an hour, and then started in on my new Goddess cossie. By the time Jordan got home, dinner was nearly done, and I felt pretty darn good about myself. I finished my costume that night, and wrapped up my week off on a high-ish note.
All in all I am satisfied and disappointed with my time off. I feel I was more lazy than I'd intended to be, and didn't get done all the sorts of things I'd hoped to. On the positive side, I didn't over-plan my days, and allowed them to just "be", which is a definite improvement for me....even though it's SO HARD to do....or not do, as the case may be.
Today is Saturday, and I'm back in my pre-work weekend groove. Today is competition with my Bellyco sisters at the Bell Centre, and then Valerie and Janice are coming over to tell me all about their raucous trip to Vegas. I can't wait to hear all about it. Maybe one day I will be able to drop everything and go on a spur of the moment girly trip to Vegas.
Maybe. But that's for another day.
This is why this past week has been such a trial for me. I took a week off work to do (drumroll please) nothing.
It all started 2 years ago when I got a new account at work and it went completely sideways for a few months. I stockpiled so much overtime that it completely covered my two weeks off for my wedding and honeymoon. Then last year, we were already feeling the financial pinch of the wedding, so planned a car trip through the rockies as a cheaper trip alternative - which never happened, because we bought a house. I took my week vacation to renovate and move. My other week vacation was split between SMF and PAX, and then there was the bereavement leave for Granny D's funeral. All of it was just using up the last of my 2012 vacation.
So here I am, it's 2014 and I've still got all of my holidays from 2013 to spend as well as 2014 (which gives me a third week because I've been with the company over 3 years). I have 5 week vacation at my disposal....and I had no idea what to do or where to start. Jordan had the brilliant idea to just take time off - not vacation, but stay-cation. And I took that advice (because face it, the man is brilliant). I had planned to take Monday off anyways as a means to get back into the groove after the Suhaila workshop, when I decided why take a day when you can have a week?!? Seemed simple, brilliant, and awesome.
Awesome, that is, until I was face to face with my biggest enemy: free time.
Most people will not understand that last comment. But here and there you will find people nodding their heads in sympathy. We, the overachievers, have no idea what to do with free time. In fact, we are so loathe to suffer free time that we have lists and lists of make-work projects, places to go, things to do, people to see, that we are rarely, if ever, idle. Idleness is so uncomfortable to us that we would rather be pulled in a million different directions by over-booking our time, rather than spend a few minutes without plan or purpose.
Saturday and Sunday were easy to survive....sorta. Those were the days of the Suhaila workshop. I was too busy and exhausted and sore to think. Monday was another fairly easy day to get through. I had survived the weekend and deserved a day of nothing more than rest and Ibuprofen. But by Monday night I was already feeling the buzz of discontent. The nagging voice at the back of my head that wants me to do "things". Sitting on the couch sewing my costume for the weekend's competition was not enough. More "things" would have to be added if I was to feel content over the coming week.
Tuesday I had lunch and a lovely idyllic afternoon with Joy and Pandora. It's amazing how many hours you can pleasantly while away cuddling the cutest little bundle of baby. And as always, Joy is wonderfully entertaining company. We had a blast. As soon as I got home I was quickly whisked away, this time by Kush, to Bellyco rehearsal. By the time I got home I had some dinner and an enjoyable evening of relaxation (fully justified by dance rehearsal). Wednesday I spent the morning with Jordan as we toodled off to Vancouver to pick up his glass-blowing projects (so proud!), and then I walked around Scott Rd. looking for costume bits and baubles in Little India, finally returning home and tidying the living room and dining room.
Thursday was....wait, I can't really remember. Huh. Wow, that must've been SOME day. Oh yeah! I tidied the spare bedroom. It almost killed me to do so. What a downer! Every little thing I moved or got rid of, there were 20 or 30 more little things needing homes. This is going to be an on-going achilles heel for me. That room spells DOOM. Gotta be in the right frame of mind or else it just brings me crashing down, mood-wise.
Friday I had a hilariously interesting morning. Got up early, dropped Jordan off in Port Moody at a clinic, and then decided to have an adventure. I planned on going to Vancouver' Little India on Main Street to look for more jewelry for my duo with Karyn. After almost an hour of driving, (plus pitstop for gas and a loo) I found Little India.....deserted. Yup, the shops were all closed or gone. Gone where?....Surrey. *rolling eyes*. I had driven all that way to learn that the shops were in my own back yard. D'oh! But not to be out-done, I drove another 40 min to Surrey only to discover that shops don't open until they feel like it. *facepalm* I managed to find a place, The Punjab Cloth House, that was not only open, but also had the stuff I was looking for. SCORE!
By noon I was back home, and trying not to feel lost and at odds. I dyed my hair, cleaned the bathroom, had lunch, sat for an hour, and then started in on my new Goddess cossie. By the time Jordan got home, dinner was nearly done, and I felt pretty darn good about myself. I finished my costume that night, and wrapped up my week off on a high-ish note.
All in all I am satisfied and disappointed with my time off. I feel I was more lazy than I'd intended to be, and didn't get done all the sorts of things I'd hoped to. On the positive side, I didn't over-plan my days, and allowed them to just "be", which is a definite improvement for me....even though it's SO HARD to do....or not do, as the case may be.
Today is Saturday, and I'm back in my pre-work weekend groove. Today is competition with my Bellyco sisters at the Bell Centre, and then Valerie and Janice are coming over to tell me all about their raucous trip to Vegas. I can't wait to hear all about it. Maybe one day I will be able to drop everything and go on a spur of the moment girly trip to Vegas.
Maybe. But that's for another day.
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