Please hold while we reconnect you with your life....

I am so overloaded with blerg that I don't know where to start. 

First of all, I hate spring.  Don't ask for reasons, because I've been searching for them for years and have yet to find why I hate this season so much.  When people normally get that little twinkle in their eye and start thinking of warmer weather and procreation, I'm looking to hit people in the face with whatever weapon is close at hand.  Boys get frisky and I get feisty.

Secondly, I hate St. Patrick's Day.  I hate everything associated with it.  I am a Pagan of Irish descent, and the thought of celebrating a man responsible for the eradication of Irish Paganism makes me want to hit people in the face with whatever weapon is close at hand.  Everywhere I look, people are wearing green and I feel it's a slap in the face against pagans - even though people have no idea that's what they're doing.  I try to respect that this isn't a conscious choice people are making - it's not a religious stance, they're just celebrating Irish-ness.  But even THAT makes me angry, because what they focus most on is alcohol and alcoholism.  My ancestors' heritage has become a cliche and a license for people to drink to excess and debauch.  Somehow, I can't really get behind that.

Thirdly, I have a void in my life right now.  I am the type of person who does not take well to idle time.  In fact, it's such a hazard to my mental health that I work very hard to keep myself constantly inundated with projects and "things".  Anyways, my two biggest projects both ended within a week of each other...2 weeks ago.  And I haven't been able to fill in my spare time void in a way that doesn't bring on the crazies.  I thought that I was doing "okay", but I now know that I am so very much NOT okay.

Fourthly, I had my last biopsy appointment on Friday.  I got myself all syched up for it, ready to face it down like a boss and then spend the day victoriously reposing and celebrating my freedom and a clean bill of health.  Instead, I got to the clinic, got gowned up, had my vitals taken, was lead into the surgical room.....and was then told (by a new specialist) that there was absolutely no reason to be there at all.  (deflate) Apparently, my former specialist was booking people for unnecessary procedures.  I don't know if he was trying to fleece MSP or felt (medically) that his patients deserved better treatment than MSP minimum standards.  Either way, I was left with the taste of ashes in my mouth on Friday and didn't know how to cope.  On one hand, yay no biopsy and yay clean bill of health.  On the other hand, 6 months of time wasted with this on my mind.  I feel robbed of my victory.  I feel violated in some way by the medical system.  This result has been so confusing to me, that it has exacerbated my already touchy mental state.

So here I am, in the full bloom of a depressive episode.  I am anti-social, cranky, zombie-like, and unhappy with everything.  I want to sleep and only sleep.  I want what I want but I don't know what I want.  And when I get what I want, I bet you anything I'll no longer want it. 

Frustrated yet?  I certainly am.

Hopefully this mood will pass - as it always does.  One day I will wake up and there will no longer be a weight on my shoulders.  I will feel like the world is full of possibilities again, and I will wonder why I haven't seen my friends in a while.  I will make plans and keep them and they won't feel like drudgery.  The day will seem full of time to do so many things, and I will happily do them all.

But not now.  For now, I am in a holding pattern in my own life.  I'm not working on any courses right now, and the negative part of my internal monologue laughs that it's no big deal because it's not like what I'm doing with my studies is actually going to get me anywhere.  (See what I have to put up with?).  I feel I am nibbling away at larger concepts, but am making no headway whatsoever.  Why am I going to school?  Is it really going to get me somewhere?  If it takes me a decade to get my Bachelors, is there a point?  Where is it going to get me?  And what about becoming a yoga instructor?  Do I really want to fill more of my time off with work?  Money is great and all, but so is time. (I'm such a contradiction, aren't I?)

And then there's baby.  No bun in the oven yet, and no immediate plans to fertilize said oven, but in a few months, my husband and I will start trying.  I feel this rush to get things accomplished before pregnancy and baby put a halt to my ambitions, and yet I also feel like my ambitions are already on hold to make room for baby.

Ugh. 

If anyone can unravel the mysteries of my mental state, let me know.  In the meantime I'll be over here zoning out and thinking about yarn.